20 ways to tell you’re a grumpy old man at a gig

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Remember how you used to go to hundreds of gigs as a lithe young twentysomething, full of the joys of live music? And cider’n’black, obviously.

Well, you’re not young any more. Your membership of The Kids expired many years ago. And if you need more proof, here’s 20 ways to tell you’re an old man at a gig:

1. Your default gigging pose is ‘arms folded, pint in hand’.

2. You tut when someone stagedives.

3. You cried at the Pixies comeback gigs (especially when you realised the t-shirt stall stocked XL size).

4. Your pre-gig routine is all about finding somewhere to eat, not somewhere to drink.

5. Your last seven gigs were at The O2.

6. You have a special gigging outfit, which you wear to every concert. It has no neon elements.

7. You didn’t need the free earplugs at last year’s My Bloody Valentine gigs – you always take your own nowadays.

8. You’ve ever uttered the phrase “Well, they’re no Gene…” while watching a hotly-tipped new band.

9. You think the band has aged well. Actually, it’s just that your eyesight has aged badly.

10. You worry for the health of the manic kids in the moshpit. Mainly because several of them are yours.

11. Your man-boobs have forced you to stop pogoing in built-up areas.

12. It’s too crowded in here! However crowded it is.

13. You’re able to get from the standing section of Brixton Academy, to the cloakroom to collect your coat, to the bar for one last pint, and back during the time a band is offstage before the encore. You’ve even timed it.

14. Every gig you’ve seen in the last year was a comeback tour.

15. You fear for the fertility of young bands wearing ultra-skinny jeans.

16. You are genuinely excited about Springsteen headlining Glasto.

17. The gig is ruined if another old man stands in your special place before you get there.

18. Cameraphones should be confiscated at the door, people should concentrate on the music…

19. You don’t scoff at the idea of an all-seater gig.

20. If you like the support act, you buy their CD the next day (rather than BitTorrent it).

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